By Chandana Dash, OTR/L — Occupational Therapist & co-founder, Synergy Therapeutic Group, Carbondale, IL
Key Takeaways
- The confusion you feel is not a sign you are failing — it is the sign of a parent trying very hard with too much information and no clear place to start.
- A parent’s nervous system and a child’s nervous system are in constant conversation. When you begin to regulate, your child’s nervous system follows yours.
- The goal is not to “fix” your child. Your child is not broken — they are adapting. And so are you.
- Start with one thing tonight: one slow breath with a longer exhale before you respond to a meltdown. Your calm is the intervention.
Can I ask you something?
You have done the research. You have read the books — probably more than one stack of them. You have seen the therapists, attended the workshops, talked to family, and talked to other parents. You have looked everything up at midnight when you could not sleep. And yet here you are, still searching. Still wondering what you are missing.
Does that sound familiar?
I want you to stop for a moment. Because before we talk about your child, I need to talk to you. And I need you to really hear this: the confusion you are carrying right now is not a sign that you are failing. It is a sign of how hard you are trying. That confusion — that exhaustion from doing everything and still feeling stuck — I have seen it in parents across Southern Illinois and beyond for 33 years. And I want to tell you something that almost nobody says at the beginning.
Before we talk about what your child needs, we have to talk about what you need first.
Why Does So Much Information Lead to So Much Confusion?
Here is what happens. Your child starts showing signs that something is going on — maybe it is behavior, maybe it is development, maybe it is something you just cannot name yet. And the moment you start looking for answers, the information comes at you from every direction.
One book says one thing. One therapist says something different. A family member says to wait. Another parent in an online group says do not wait. You go to a workshop and come home with three pages of notes and more questions than you had before.
I see this over and over. And I understand it — because when your child is struggling, you want answers. You want to do everything right. That is what a good parent does. But here is the thing: when you are in that state — overwhelmed, anxious, running on very little sleep and very high worry — your brain cannot organize what it receives. The confusion you feel is not because you are not smart enough. It is because nobody has helped you start in the right place.
That is what I want to do today. Not add more to the pile. Help you set most of it down — and start with what actually matters first.
Can a Parent’s Anxiety Affect a Child’s Nervous System?
Yes. And this is not something most people tell you — but it is one of the most important things I teach.
Research published in Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience established that parental care functions as a co-regulator of a child’s physiological and emotional homeostasis — meaning your nervous system and your child’s nervous system are in constant conversation. Children and parents share characteristic patterns of nervous system regulation, including heart rate patterns, that mirror each other even when tested separately.
Think about that. Even when you think you are hiding your anxiety — your child’s body is already responding to yours.
A 2024 systematic review confirmed that when a caregiver is frequently dysregulated or emotionally reactive, the child may absorb those heightened emotional states, reinforcing patterns of emotional volatility and stress reactivity. The caregiver’s internal regulation directly shapes the tone of the child’s nervous system.
And a four-wave longitudinal study tracking 6,117 children over three years found that parental anxiety significantly predicted child anxiety across every time point — while child anxiety also fed back into parental anxiety, creating a cycle that ran in both directions.
A cycle. That is the word I want you to sit with. Because a cycle can run in both directions. When anxiety goes up, it goes up for both of you. But when a parent begins to regulate — when understanding replaces fear — the cycle starts to shift. For both of you.
This is not something to feel guilty about. This is something to understand. Because once you understand it, you can do something about it.
What I Learned as a Parent — Before I Became an Expert
I want to share something personal with you.
I am an occupational therapist. I have 33 years of experience working with children and families across Carbondale, IL and Southern Illinois. But long before I had all of those years behind me, I was a parent. And what I experienced as a parent — the love that makes you want to fix everything, the helplessness when you cannot — that is what shaped how I work with families today.
I did not learn to help parents by reading about it in a textbook. I learned it by living it. And then by watching, over and over, what happened when a parent started to take care of themselves first.
Here is what I saw consistently: when the parent steadied — when they came into sessions calmer, clearer, less consumed by worry — the child changed too. Not immediately. But the shift was real and it was lasting. It made complete sense once I understood the science behind it.
The vagus nerve — the branch of your nervous system that helps you recover from stress, regulate your heart rate and breathing, and stay connected — begins its development in the final trimester of pregnancy and continues developing into the teenage years. It develops through co-regulation: touch, warm voices, calm faces, felt safety. Your child’s nervous system learns how to be calm by experiencing yours. That is not a metaphor. That is neuroscience.
What Does “Taking Care of Yourself First” Actually Mean for a Parent Like You?
I am not talking about spa days. I know that is not the kind of help you are looking for.
I am talking about something more fundamental: replacing fear with understanding.
Anxiety grows in the dark. When you do not know what is happening in your child or why, your imagination fills in the gaps — and it almost never fills them in with good news. The uncertainty becomes its own source of suffering. And that suffering lives in your body. It lives in the tension you carry. It lives in the way you hold your breath when your child starts to escalate.
When I work with parents through our Parent and Caregiver Training Program, the first thing I do is help them understand — not overwhelm them with information, but understand. What is actually happening in their child’s nervous system? Why does the meltdown happen at this time of day and not another? Why does the child hold it together at school but fall apart at home? Why does a transition that worked yesterday do nothing today?
When you understand why, the anxiety begins to lift. Not all at once. But in a way that is real.
And here is something else I have found in 33 years: when a parent walks in knowing that nobody controls the future — but truly believing they can change today — everything shifts. The future becomes less terrifying because today starts to feel like something they can actually do something about. No one controls what comes next. But we can make the future better by correcting today.
What Happened When One Family Started Here
A mother came to me several years ago. She had been to four different specialists with her daughter. Each one gave her more information, more worksheets, more home programs to follow. By the time she arrived at Synergy Therapeutic Group, she was exhausted, confused — and quietly angry at herself because she felt like she should be doing better. Her daughter was struggling. She had all the information. Why was nothing changing?
I sat with her for a little while before I asked anything about her daughter. I asked how she was sleeping. She laughed — the kind of laugh that is not funny. I asked when she had last done something that was only for her. She could not remember.
I said: let us start here.
Over the next several months, we worked on her daughter. But we also worked on the mother — helping her understand her daughter’s nervous system, helping her see that her daughter’s behaviors were communication, not manipulation, helping her learn to respond rather than react.
Her daughter made more progress in those months than she had made in the two years prior. And the mother told me one day that she felt like herself again. Not without worry. Not without challenges. But herself.
That is what I want for you.
Your child is not broken. They are adapting. And you — you are not broken either, you are adapting too. When both of you are understood, everything becomes possible.
What Can a Parent Do Today to Help Their Child’s Nervous System?
Here is one thing. Just one.
Tonight, when your child starts to escalate — when you feel that familiar tension rising in your chest — before you say anything, before you try to manage the situation: take one slow breath. Slow the exhale down. Longer than the inhale.
You are not doing this for yourself in that moment. You are doing it for your child’s nervous system. Because your calm is contagious. Research shows that when parents and children co-regulate well, their heart rate patterns begin to synchronize. You are the bigger nervous system in the room. Your child is looking to you — even when it does not look like it — for the signal that things are safe.
One breath. That is where we start.
And then — when you are ready — let us talk. Because your child deserves a parent who understands what is really going on. And you deserve to be that parent without carrying all of this confusion alone.
Is your child getting what they really need?
Chandana Dash, OTR/L has spent 33 years helping children and the families who love them — with or without a diagnosis — at Synergy Therapeutic Group, 1110 Cedar Court, Carbondale, IL. You do not have to keep researching alone. Let’s talk about your child — and about you.
Questions Parents Ask About Parent Wellbeing and Child Development
My child already has a diagnosis and is in therapy. Is it too late to change something?
It is never too late — a diagnosis is a starting point, not a ceiling. Therapy works best when what happens in the clinic carries over at home, and that is exactly what we help families do at Synergy Therapeutic Group in Carbondale, IL.
I feel guilty focusing on myself when my child needs so much. How do I get past that?
Your guilt is evidence of how much you love this child — but love without a regulated nervous system cannot do what you want it to do. Research confirms that a caregiver’s internal regulation directly shapes the tone of a child’s nervous system, which means caring for yourself is the most practical thing you can do for your child right now.
We have been to many places and nothing has worked. Why would this be different?
Most places treat the child. At Synergy Therapeutic Group, we work with the whole family — because children do not live in therapy rooms, they live with you. When parents understand what is happening in their child’s nervous system and know how to respond to it, the home becomes the most powerful therapy environment your child has.
My child does not have a formal diagnosis yet. Can Chandana still help?
Yes. Chandana Dash, OTR/L works with children with and without a diagnosis at Synergy Therapeutic Group in Carbondale, IL. Your child’s nervous system does not wait for a label to need support — and neither should you.
What if my partner does not think our child’s struggles are a big deal?
This is more common than you might think — the parent who is most present often sees things the other has not noticed yet. You do not need everyone to agree before you start learning. Come in yourself first; understanding often brings other people along.
About the author. Chandana Dash, OTR/L is an occupational therapist with 33 years of experience specializing in pediatric development and parent and caregiver training. She is the co-founder of Synergy Therapeutic Group, 1110 Cedar Court, Carbondale, IL. Chandana works with children with and without a diagnosis, with a focus on empowering families to become the most powerful force in their child’s healing.
Medical disclaimer: This article is for general educational purposes and reflects the clinical experience of Chandana Dash, OTR/L. It is not medical advice and is not a substitute for evaluation by a qualified healthcare professional. Every child is different and outcomes vary. If you have concerns about your child’s development, please consult a licensed provider.
